Tiramisu like mia mamma

To prepare the Tiramisu like mia mamma you need 120 grams of sugar, 4 eggs, some rum, mascarpone, savoiardi, cacao and my mom.

So, prepare 120 grams of sugar

Make 3 long coffees and put them in a bowl adding 4 spoons of good rum (what?you only have cheap spar shite??Jesus spend the fucking money for something good for God's sake).

Ok, now, take 4 eggs and divide the yellow from the white

Get ready with the Mascarpone.

Mix the yolks for a good 5 minutes. Then add all the sugar and keep mixing for another 5 minutes.

Then add all the Mascarpone and guess what!! keep mix for another 5 minutes!

Now we do the white. Add a pinch of salt and mix until you see the snow in the bowl which is after a minimum 3-5 mins max speed. If you are Irish you may have only seen rain in your life, so have a look here for a picture of snow

If after a few minutes, you see something similar as the picture below, then stop mixing otherwise take inspiration from Kurt Cobain and help humanity.
To check if the snow is ready, try to upside down the bowl, if it stay attached to the bowl then it's ready.

HAhahaha,  don't tell me you really put the bowl upside down....now you need to kick your dog in the balls and clean the floor you idiot.

Here we go, the yellow done and the white done.

Now we need to mix them. Add a bit of white  at a time and ALWAYS mix from down to up.

Keep adding the white until all is in the bowl with the yellow.

You need to use the Savoiardi. There is no other biscuits you can use!! 

Now, it's simple. You take a container and:

You dive completely one biscuit into the coffee for about 5 secs and then you put it in the tray. You keep going until you cover all the base of the tray. 

Once this is done, you cover all the Savoiardi biscuits with half of the cream you prepared before.

Then cover with dark chocolate powder.

Then do another Savoiardi layer (remember to put them in the coffee for 5 secs, if you don't have enough coffee prepare some more or add a bit of water).

Cover again with the rest of the cream and chocolate powder.

Put the Tiramisu in the fridge for at least 6 hours before eating it.

Quiche Lorraine like a French chef or how to impress your imaginary girlfriend for Valentine's day

Today we feel pretty generous and  have decided to teach you how to cook an unmissable Quiche Lorraine the real French way. This recipe comes from a real French chef notoriously known to throw steaks at whoever would enter his kitchen without being cordially invited. 

So feel blessed.

First you will need to lay down some puff pastry in a baking tin. As I highly doubt you know how to make the pastry from scratch, just opt for the ready to use ones available at any "good" Tesco stores. Ah, and you will need a rolling-pin and NO, you cannot use it as a vibrator when not needed in the kitchen. Time for you to get a proper kitchen for God's sake !

Cut the edges - do not use your nail scissors please.

And poke with a fork...

Then, place in the oven (185°Celsius) for 15 minutes ( I know you might feel shocked at the sight of this utterly modern oven, just breath calmly and wait for a few minutes before looking back at your own) 

At mid-cooking, press a fork on the dough to keep it flat.

Once cooked, remove from the oven (use gloves, it is hot. Think of when you throw frozen pizza in the oven - same process) and flatten once again with the back of a fork. 

Don't go away, it is not finished and no, you are not allowed to spread some backed beans on this.

Here is what you need to prepare the mixture that will go on top of the pastry : 25 cl of creme fraiche (not sour cream, not skimmed whatever, not soy. Creme fraiche, full fat, real taste), cooked ham, some bacon strips (or pancetta), 4 eggs (preferably hens eggs but if all you have is horse eggs it'll be as fine), and grated Emmental (can be found at Fresh. DO NOT SUBSTITUTE WITH CHEDDAR or you will end up with a sticky ball of oily cheese floating on the quiche)

First pour the cream 

Add 2 full eggs

And 2 egg yolks 

Then pour the milk. 

Cook the bacon strips on medium heat with a nut of butter ( I know, it is a gas cooker, amazing)

Take one slice of cooked ham

Dice it

And pour the cooked bacon strips and the diced ham on the cooked pastry

Add the eggs-milk-cream mixture

And the grated cheese of top (make it even, don't throw a ball of cheese in the middle !) Season with pepper, salt and nutmeg (I know, you have no idea what nutmeg is.)

Cook for 20 minutes in the same futuristic oven as the one used before

Meanwhile enjoy a glass of real wine - or On-sale Tesco crap for what it's worth anyway. I recently found out that a bottle of wine sees its price multiplied by an average of 4 between Italy/France and Ireland. Thank you Rip-off Dublin. But nobody cares anyway because everybody drinks odd strawberry-flavored white from California.

Your French style Quiche Lorraine is ready. Enjoy with a side salad.

Bon appétit !