A politically incorrect kitchen: Quiche Lorraine like a French chef or how to impress your imaginary girlfriend for Valentine's day

Today we feel pretty generous and have decided to teach you how to cook an unmissable Quiche Lorraine the real French way. This recipe comes from a real French chef notoriously known to throw steaks at whoever would enter his kitchen without being cordially invited.

So feel blessed.

First you will need to lay down some puff pastry in a baking tin. As I highly doubt you know how to make the pastry from scratch, just opt for the ready to use ones available at any "good" Tesco stores. Ah, and you will need a rolling-pin and NO, you cannot use it as a vibrator when not needed in the kitchen. Time for you to get a proper kitchen for God's sake !

Cut the edges - do not use your nail scissors please.

And poke with a fork...

Then, place in the oven (185°Celsius) for 15 minutes ( I know you might feel shocked at the sight of this utterly modern oven, just breath calmly and wait for a few minutes before looking back at your own)

At mid-cooking, press a fork on the dough to keep it flat.

Once cooked, remove from the oven (use gloves, it is hot. Think of when you throw frozen pizza in the oven - same process) and flatten once again with the back of a fork.

Don't go away, it is not finished and no, you are not allowed to spread some backed beans on this.

Here is what you need to prepare the mixture that will go on top of the pastry : 25 cl of creme fraiche (not sour cream, not skimmed whatever, not soy. Creme fraiche, full fat, real taste), cooked ham, some bacon strips (or pancetta), 4 eggs (preferably hens eggs but if all you have is horse eggs it'll be as fine), and grated Emmental (can be found at Fresh. DO NOT SUBSTITUTE WITH CHEDDAR or you will end up with a sticky ball of oily cheese floating on the quiche)

First pour the cream

Add 2 full eggs

And 2 egg yolks

Then pour the milk.

Cook the bacon strips on medium heat with a nut of butter ( I know, it is a gas cooker, amazing)

Take one slice of cooked ham

Dice it

And pour the cooked bacon strips and the diced ham on the cooked pastry

Add the eggs-milk-cream mixture

And the grated cheese of top (make it even, don't throw a ball of cheese in the middle !) Season with pepper, salt and nutmeg (I know, you have no idea what nutmeg is.)

Cook for 20 minutes in the same futuristic oven as the one used before

Meanwhile enjoy a glass of real wine - or On-sale Tesco crap for what it's worth anyway. I recently found out that a bottle of wine sees its price multiplied by an average of 4 between Italy/France and Ireland. Thank you Rip-off Dublin. But nobody cares anyway because everybody drinks odd strawberry-flavored white from California.