Spaghetti with home made pesto

You probably always thought that pesto is something difficult to prepare, and probably, knowing your brain limitations, you are also right.

But for smart, successful and beautiful people like me, pesto is just another easy thing to do.

So here is what you need for 2/4 people:

GOOD olive oil, no that shite you have in your kitchen!

GOOD Parmesan or Pecorino or both,

1 garlic,

around 30 leaves of fresh basil,

some pine nuts.

 Ok so, pour around 100 ml of olive oil into a container.

Add all the basil, the garlic and the pine nuts.

The white thing is not an electric dildo, it's an hand blender and you need it to mix the ingredients.

You can also use this instead of the blender, but I assumed you are a poor little ignorant who does not have one of those.

Me I have a beautiful one, you? As I thought...

Mix for few seconds until you have a smooth green cream.

Then it's time to great some Parmesan.

This is enough

Add the Parmesan and mix with a fork.

That's it! Pesto is done, now put it in the fridge to rest for some time.

 Cook your spaghetti and when ready, drain the pasta, turn off the fire and add the pesto.

Here we go, spaghetti with home made pesto.

Spaghetti prawns and clams

This recipe is for 4 people, you probably don't have 3 friends, so just do a bit of calculation or simply go to Mac Donalds and die there.

So, go out and buy 2kg of clams (here in Ireland it costs like if you are paying a fucking weekend with an escort in Dubai, but don't worry, just go at the cashier like this and everything will be fine. ).

Put the clams, in a bowl with water and salt, then put the bowl in the fridge, from 6 hours to one night.

This way, the clams will release most of the sand they have inside.

After this, take the clams out of the water and put them in a pan with nothing else.

Cover and start the fire

After 5 -10 minutes all the clams are open, so turn off the fire.

Prepare the prawns, if they have shells on, remove them. Also you should remove the intestine unless you like to eat shit obviously. 

To remove the intestine from a prawn, Just Fucking Google It.

Remove the clams from their water (don't throw away this water you idiot, cause it is the main flavor of this dish!!!!!!!!!!!, if you do, throw yourself away as well.)

Remove the clams from their shells.

Filter the clams water (it still contains a bit of sand).

Now, take another pan and put olive oil, garlic, parsley and chilly.

Start the fire medium strength.

Add the prawns after 5 minutes.

After 2 minutes, add the clams.

After 3 minutes, add Cherry tomatoes cut in half and half a glass of white wine and put the fire high strength. 

When the wine is gone add the clams water filtering again. then leave to cook for a good 10 minutes so that the water will reduce by more than a half, then turn off the fire.

Cook spaghetti. keep tasting the spaghetti, don't let them cook too much.

Voila, mix the spaghetti with clams and prawns on the fire, then serve in a dish and add a bit of chilly oil.

Eat it with a good white wine!

Turkey Scaloppine with Polenta

I hope you weren't believing that I was choosing my next recipe based on your stupid preferences. 

Scaloppine is a famous Italian recipe easy to make, just shut up and do what I tell you to do...

These are the main ingredients you need:

• Mushrooms: Porcini(wild mushrooms) are the best but they cost a lot, so I used the shitty ones from Tesco
• Half liter of white wine:  don't use good wine! Use some crap from Chile/New Zeland/Australia/California
• Turkey fillets: In Italy we use veal which is much better, but here in Ireland is fucking expensive 

As first thing cut the turkey in pieces not too small and coat the pieces with the flour. Yeah I know I did not mention the flour in the beginning.

Add olive oil in the pan and wait until the oil is hot, then fry the meat on each side.

This recipe has only 1 important trick: fry the meat for less than 1 minute per side!

You fried too much, you will eat plastic.

When the pieces of meat are slightly cooked on each side, remove them from the pan and put them in a dish. Don't eat them yet you moron! they still need to be cooked!

Now, cut the mushrooms. If you are not able to cut mushrooms just get the fuck out of my blog.

Add the mushrooms in the same pan (add more oil if you need) and cook them for 5/10 minutes.

When the mushrooms are cooked add the pieces of meat, all the wine and one cube of stock.

if the meat and mushrooms are not fully covered by the wine, add some water.

Let it cook for at least 40 minutes letting the liquid reduce.

Now as side dish you can cook rice, salad, potatoes, etc. I did Polenta.

Boil half pot of water with half spoon of salt.

Let the water boil.

Remove from the fire and add Polenta mixing constantly for 5 minutes.

Place the pot on the fire and mix again for another 5 minutes.

Here we go, Scaloppine with Polenta.

Spaghetti with balls!

So, Meatballs spaghetti (spaghetti con polpette) is a recipe simple and straightforward and you should be able to not mess it up.

First you do the meatballs:

• Put 2 bread slices in the toaster then cut them in cubes and put into the mixer.
• Put one or 2 slice of ham in the mixer (Mortadella is better, but I don't expect you to know what it is, and if you know what it is, I expect you to already know how to do this recipe.)
• Put 4 or 5 capers in the mixers as well
• Add basil and/or sage and/or parsley in the mixer
• Don't put onions unless you like to burp shit out of your mouth for the next 4 hours.
• Now start the mixer until everything is well mixed.
• Add the result into a bowl with the meat (mince beef) + 4 spoons of parmesan (I usually put much more parmesan, but you will not understand, so better not waste this amazing cheese with you) + 2 full eggs. Mix well with a fork until you can see something similar to this:

Now, I know you have no idea how to do a meatball, so look the video and learn!

If at the end, you don't have something like this, go here : I cannot cook

In a fried pan put a garlic, 

couple of bay leaves (if you don't have them don't worry, it just mean you don't have one of the main ingredients to cook properly,probably you live of fried chips and disgusting ready meals)

when the garlic is yellow, add the meatballs

cook medium high until they are done on all the sides. You need to follow what you are cooking, don't think to be able to watch your stupid comedy series while you cook this.

You see this??this is the best stock you can use. I know you don't have it, but this is what I use and it's the best. So just take one of your tasteless stock cube and put it with the meatballs and cover everything with tomato sauce and cook it low/medium for MINIMUM 45 minutes.

Ok, when the meatballs and the sauce are ready cook the spaghetti. IMPORTANT : put 1 full spoon of salt in the water before the spaghetti.

taste the spaghetti while cooking them...DON' T LET THEM OVERCOOK for god sake.

Mix everything now.

Add parmesan, done!!