A great Carbonara with a couple of tricks

Ok first we need to clarify 3 things:

1. If you use cream to prepare carbonara, you are an incompetent loser, so stupid you can't even read a simple recipe, so go back to school, learn to read and get the fuck away from my blog!
2. Use bacon for your morning fry, not for carbonara. For carbonara you have two choices, the proper one is guanciale... I can see the question mark in you face, ignorant prick, click here and read (if you got to this point you should be able to read). Another acceptable alternative to guanciale is pancetta. 
3. You are a moron.

This time I had to use pancetta because you can find guanciale only in Italy, Italian butchers know how to cut meat, the rest of butchers just don't know what they are doing but they own large knives and I don't like upsetting them too much.

So take your pancetta and fry it with a bit of olive oil on medium/low fire.

This is the first trick, but remember! You don't need this if you use guanciale. Guanciale is already tasty enough.
To give a kick ass taste to your pancetta, put 1/4 of a beef stock cube together with the pancetta. If you have problems with fractions, go back to school, if you are American, school won't help you, so go back to McDonalds.

Now cook the pancetta until it is well done almost crispy!

WARNING FOR STONERS: that's not a gram of pollen and you can't smoke it.

3 eggs are enough for 4 people, if you're cooking for 1, 2 or 3 people do the math, if you cannot do the math see end of point 1 above.

Now, take 3 eggs yolks. If you own more than 3 eggs, you could think about throwing the spare ones at your stupid neighbor or putting them in your ugly wife's shoes for some entertainment.    

Add pecorino or parmesan, a bit of salt and a bit of pepper.

Grate it, don't buy the pre-grated shite they sell in Tesco

Mix with a fork for some minutes. If after 5 minutes you don't have something like this simply jump from a high bridge.

This is perfect: you can't

Alright, cook the spaghetti and remember to put a full spoon of salt in the boiling water before throwing inside the spaghetti or you have done everything for nothing, idiot!

Here's the second trick to make you carbonara creamy, but without your stupid fat cream: when the spaghetti are ready (al dente) drain the pasta, but keep half glass of the cooking water!!! Then put the half glass of water back in the pot together with the spaghetti, pancetta and the eggs.

Mix everything and then put the pot back on the fire for a good 2/3 minutes while mixing.

Ok, here is what I normally do now, I add 5 drops of white truffle olive oil, but don't worry, I know you are a miserable being and you don't even know where to buy this, so just admit your inferiority and keep on reading.

Truffle oil, for fine palates like mine, not yours

Ok the carbonara is done, add parmesan and buon appettito!

I eat good food, you don't

Parmigiana di Melanzane

I know I’m wasting my time and you’ll never be able to cook a half decent Parmigiana, but you’re in luck I’ve got fuck all to do and I feel like casting pearls before swine today, now pay attention you illiterate wannabe chef.

First you’ve got to buy aubergines, yes that’s what “melanzane” means, BTW if you’re American and you want me to call them eggplant, you can simply fuck off now.

Forget about the plastic shiny ones that you get cheaply in Tesco or Dunnes, unless you want to eat shiny plastic. You’ve got to find a place in Dublin where they have real aubergines that have little bumps and even some skin imperfection, they are the ones that grew on a real plant and not in some Chinaman’s lab. I am not going to tell you where to get them in Dublin, I am the only one who knows, just live with it.

Ingredients for 10 people

OK, wash the aubergines first, with water for fucks sake! Then cut them in slices between 1 and 2 Centimetres, you don’t understand the metric system? Go to school.  Once you have cut them put slice by slice in a colander (what is it? Jesus, you know nothing) and spread salt over them. Make layers of salted aubergine slices until they’re gone. Stick a weight over the aubergines and put the colander on a plate unless you want to cover your kitchen counter in muck.

Leave the aubergines in salt for an hour so to sweat out their bitterness and become nice and smooth, I said an hour, yes it takes time, this is not Kentucky Fried fuckin' chicken.

Look they're sweating

During this hour you can start preparing the base Italian tomato sauce. If you don’t know how to make it and I had powers to decide, you would be dead, but as I am not ruling the universe as yet, you are still alive and can check one of the useless recipes you will find in the gutter called the Internet.

This is proper, you can't do it like this

Do this as well, grate loads of parmesan or in alternative even pecorino romano, if you don’t know what they are just roll over and die. Put the mountain of grated cheese in a bowl, don’t eat it!

During this very long hour you will also cut a couple of mozzarellas in thin slices, the ideal would be to have real “provola” but you might find that flying to Italy to get one might not be worth your while for one parmigiana di melanzane only, I would, you can’t so shut up and slice your stupid mozzarella.

Ok 1 hour is gone and the aubergines have nothing else to sweat about, wash them and put them back in the colander. Now the tricky bit. Frying the aubergines. If you read 99% of stupid recipes for parmigiana di melanzane they will tell you that you have to fry them in olive oil. These people are ignorant pricks and should be shot for many reasons, first olive oil doesn't come cheap and to fry 12 melanzane you will need 1+1/2 liters of it, secondly, these ignorant pricks are also going to die soon, in fact, olive oil is known for releasing an extremely toxic chemical when it reaches a certain temperature that you reach frying. Now do you want to be an ignorant sick prick or you want to listen to me? Use Sunflower oil, cheap as fuck and perfect for frying stuff without causing cancer, does it sound all right to you?

Stick 1+1/2 litres of sunflower oil in a large pan (yes you need a large pan in a kitchen), turn on the cooker and wait. Wait until the oil is as hot as a Calabrian chilly pepper on holidays in hell and put 3 or 4 slices of aubergines at the time to fry. You burnt your hand, I know! Will you try to be careful please? Can't you see the oil is hot? Gobshite...

You need to turn them and take them out when they have taken a blonde, pale brown color. Once you take them out you put them on kitchen paper to absorb the extra oil unless you are a fat bastard that wants to stay awake all night puking. One layer of aubergines and one layer of kitchen paper, do me a favor  please, please, pretty please with sugar on top do not put slices over slices to save a sheet of kitchen paper you cheap idiot.

I can do 2 pans at the time, you can't

OK fast forward, all your aubergines are fried, you have a ready Italian tomato sauce, you have a mountain of parmesan and sliced mozzarella (I know you didn’t buy the “provola”, loser).

Take a large oven tray (not the ones for doing your disgusting roast beef a proper one for fucks sake).

First layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan. This is the first layer, now if you weren't a complete retard you could do the second layer and the third and so on until you finished your aubergines without me repeating the thing over and over but there you go:

Second layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan.

Third layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan.

Fourth layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan.

Fifth layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan.

At this point you have finished your aubergines, stick the tray in the oven for 45 minutes at 200 CC and have the feast of your life.

What you get out of the oven will not resemble anything like the amazing beauty below, but you knew from the start you were a moron that can't cook, so shut up and eat.

Forget about it

Besides not being able to cook you are obviously ugly and stupid, I, on the other hand am intelligent and extremely handsome, see the proof below

Intelligent and handsome man

Turkey Scaloppine with Polenta

I hope you weren't believing that I was choosing my next recipe based on your stupid preferences. 

Scaloppine is a famous Italian recipe easy to make, just shut up and do what I tell you to do...

These are the main ingredients you need:

• Mushrooms: Porcini(wild mushrooms) are the best but they cost a lot, so I used the shitty ones from Tesco
• Half liter of white wine:  don't use good wine! Use some crap from Chile/New Zeland/Australia/California
• Turkey fillets: In Italy we use veal which is much better, but here in Ireland is fucking expensive 

As first thing cut the turkey in pieces not too small and coat the pieces with the flour. Yeah I know I did not mention the flour in the beginning.

Add olive oil in the pan and wait until the oil is hot, then fry the meat on each side.

This recipe has only 1 important trick: fry the meat for less than 1 minute per side!

You fried too much, you will eat plastic.

When the pieces of meat are slightly cooked on each side, remove them from the pan and put them in a dish. Don't eat them yet you moron! they still need to be cooked!

Now, cut the mushrooms. If you are not able to cut mushrooms just get the fuck out of my blog.

Add the mushrooms in the same pan (add more oil if you need) and cook them for 5/10 minutes.

When the mushrooms are cooked add the pieces of meat, all the wine and one cube of stock.

if the meat and mushrooms are not fully covered by the wine, add some water.

Let it cook for at least 40 minutes letting the liquid reduce.

Now as side dish you can cook rice, salad, potatoes, etc. I did Polenta.

Boil half pot of water with half spoon of salt.

Let the water boil.

Remove from the fire and add Polenta mixing constantly for 5 minutes.

Place the pot on the fire and mix again for another 5 minutes.

Here we go, Scaloppine with Polenta.