A great Carbonara with a couple of tricks

Ok first we need to clarify 3 things:

1. If you use cream to prepare carbonara, you are an incompetent loser, so stupid you can't even read a simple recipe, so go back to school, learn to read and get the fuck away from my blog!
2. Use bacon for your morning fry, not for carbonara. For carbonara you have two choices, the proper one is guanciale... I can see the question mark in you face, ignorant prick, click here and read (if you got to this point you should be able to read). Another acceptable alternative to guanciale is pancetta. 
3. You are a moron.

This time I had to use pancetta because you can find guanciale only in Italy, Italian butchers know how to cut meat, the rest of butchers just don't know what they are doing but they own large knives and I don't like upsetting them too much.

So take your pancetta and fry it with a bit of olive oil on medium/low fire.

This is the first trick, but remember! You don't need this if you use guanciale. Guanciale is already tasty enough.
To give a kick ass taste to your pancetta, put 1/4 of a beef stock cube together with the pancetta. If you have problems with fractions, go back to school, if you are American, school won't help you, so go back to McDonalds.

Now cook the pancetta until it is well done almost crispy!

WARNING FOR STONERS: that's not a gram of pollen and you can't smoke it.

3 eggs are enough for 4 people, if you're cooking for 1, 2 or 3 people do the math, if you cannot do the math see end of point 1 above.

Now, take 3 eggs yolks. If you own more than 3 eggs, you could think about throwing the spare ones at your stupid neighbor or putting them in your ugly wife's shoes for some entertainment.    

Add pecorino or parmesan, a bit of salt and a bit of pepper.

Grate it, don't buy the pre-grated shite they sell in Tesco

Mix with a fork for some minutes. If after 5 minutes you don't have something like this simply jump from a high bridge.

This is perfect: you can't

Alright, cook the spaghetti and remember to put a full spoon of salt in the boiling water before throwing inside the spaghetti or you have done everything for nothing, idiot!

Here's the second trick to make you carbonara creamy, but without your stupid fat cream: when the spaghetti are ready (al dente) drain the pasta, but keep half glass of the cooking water!!! Then put the half glass of water back in the pot together with the spaghetti, pancetta and the eggs.

Mix everything and then put the pot back on the fire for a good 2/3 minutes while mixing.

Ok, here is what I normally do now, I add 5 drops of white truffle olive oil, but don't worry, I know you are a miserable being and you don't even know where to buy this, so just admit your inferiority and keep on reading.

Truffle oil, for fine palates like mine, not yours

Ok the carbonara is done, add parmesan and buon appettito!

I eat good food, you don't