Parmigiana di Melanzane

I know I’m wasting my time and you’ll never be able to cook a half decent Parmigiana, but you’re in luck I’ve got fuck all to do and I feel like casting pearls before swine today, now pay attention you illiterate wannabe chef.

First you’ve got to buy aubergines, yes that’s what “melanzane” means, BTW if you’re American and you want me to call them eggplant, you can simply fuck off now.

Forget about the plastic shiny ones that you get cheaply in Tesco or Dunnes, unless you want to eat shiny plastic. You’ve got to find a place in Dublin where they have real aubergines that have little bumps and even some skin imperfection, they are the ones that grew on a real plant and not in some Chinaman’s lab. I am not going to tell you where to get them in Dublin, I am the only one who knows, just live with it.

Ingredients for 10 people

OK, wash the aubergines first, with water for fucks sake! Then cut them in slices between 1 and 2 Centimetres, you don’t understand the metric system? Go to school.  Once you have cut them put slice by slice in a colander (what is it? Jesus, you know nothing) and spread salt over them. Make layers of salted aubergine slices until they’re gone. Stick a weight over the aubergines and put the colander on a plate unless you want to cover your kitchen counter in muck.

Leave the aubergines in salt for an hour so to sweat out their bitterness and become nice and smooth, I said an hour, yes it takes time, this is not Kentucky Fried fuckin' chicken.

Look they're sweating

During this hour you can start preparing the base Italian tomato sauce. If you don’t know how to make it and I had powers to decide, you would be dead, but as I am not ruling the universe as yet, you are still alive and can check one of the useless recipes you will find in the gutter called the Internet.

This is proper, you can't do it like this

Do this as well, grate loads of parmesan or in alternative even pecorino romano, if you don’t know what they are just roll over and die. Put the mountain of grated cheese in a bowl, don’t eat it!

During this very long hour you will also cut a couple of mozzarellas in thin slices, the ideal would be to have real “provola” but you might find that flying to Italy to get one might not be worth your while for one parmigiana di melanzane only, I would, you can’t so shut up and slice your stupid mozzarella.

Ok 1 hour is gone and the aubergines have nothing else to sweat about, wash them and put them back in the colander. Now the tricky bit. Frying the aubergines. If you read 99% of stupid recipes for parmigiana di melanzane they will tell you that you have to fry them in olive oil. These people are ignorant pricks and should be shot for many reasons, first olive oil doesn't come cheap and to fry 12 melanzane you will need 1+1/2 liters of it, secondly, these ignorant pricks are also going to die soon, in fact, olive oil is known for releasing an extremely toxic chemical when it reaches a certain temperature that you reach frying. Now do you want to be an ignorant sick prick or you want to listen to me? Use Sunflower oil, cheap as fuck and perfect for frying stuff without causing cancer, does it sound all right to you?

Stick 1+1/2 litres of sunflower oil in a large pan (yes you need a large pan in a kitchen), turn on the cooker and wait. Wait until the oil is as hot as a Calabrian chilly pepper on holidays in hell and put 3 or 4 slices of aubergines at the time to fry. You burnt your hand, I know! Will you try to be careful please? Can't you see the oil is hot? Gobshite...

You need to turn them and take them out when they have taken a blonde, pale brown color. Once you take them out you put them on kitchen paper to absorb the extra oil unless you are a fat bastard that wants to stay awake all night puking. One layer of aubergines and one layer of kitchen paper, do me a favor  please, please, pretty please with sugar on top do not put slices over slices to save a sheet of kitchen paper you cheap idiot.

I can do 2 pans at the time, you can't

OK fast forward, all your aubergines are fried, you have a ready Italian tomato sauce, you have a mountain of parmesan and sliced mozzarella (I know you didn’t buy the “provola”, loser).

Take a large oven tray (not the ones for doing your disgusting roast beef a proper one for fucks sake).

First layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan. This is the first layer, now if you weren't a complete retard you could do the second layer and the third and so on until you finished your aubergines without me repeating the thing over and over but there you go:

Second layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan.

Third layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan.

Fourth layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan.

Fifth layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan.

At this point you have finished your aubergines, stick the tray in the oven for 45 minutes at 200 CC and have the feast of your life.

What you get out of the oven will not resemble anything like the amazing beauty below, but you knew from the start you were a moron that can't cook, so shut up and eat.

Forget about it

Besides not being able to cook you are obviously ugly and stupid, I, on the other hand am intelligent and extremely handsome, see the proof below

Intelligent and handsome man