To prepare the Tiramisu like mia mamma you need 120 grams of sugar, 4 eggs, some rum, mascarpone, savoiardi, cacao and my mom.
So, prepare 120 grams of sugar
Make 3 long coffees and put them in a bowl adding 4 spoons of good rum (what?you only have cheap spar shite??Jesus spend the fucking money for something good for God's sake).
Ok, now, take 4 eggs and divide the yellow from the white
Get ready with the Mascarpone.
Mix the yolks for a good 5 minutes. Then add all the sugar and keep mixing for another 5 minutes.
Then add all the Mascarpone and guess what!! keep mix for another 5 minutes!
Now we do the white. Add a pinch of salt and mix until you see the snow in the bowl which is after a minimum 3-5 mins max speed. If you are Irish you may have only seen rain in your life, so have a look here for a picture of snow
If after a few minutes, you see something similar as the picture below, then stop mixing otherwise take inspiration from Kurt Cobain and help humanity.
To check if the snow is ready, try to upside down the bowl, if it stay attached to the bowl then it's ready.
HAhahaha, don't tell me you really put the bowl upside down....now you need to kick your dog in the balls and clean the floor you idiot.
Here we go, the yellow done and the white done.
Now we need to mix them. Add a bit of white at a time and ALWAYS mix from down to up.
Keep adding the white until all is in the bowl with the yellow.
You need to use the Savoiardi. There is no other biscuits you can use!!
Now, it's simple. You take a container and:
You dive completely one biscuit into the coffee for about 5 secs and then you put it in the tray. You keep going until you cover all the base of the tray.
Once this is done, you cover all the Savoiardi biscuits with half of the cream you prepared before.
Then cover with dark chocolate powder.
Then do another Savoiardi layer (remember to put them in the coffee for 5 secs, if you don't have enough coffee prepare some more or add a bit of water).
Cover again with the rest of the cream and chocolate powder.
Put the Tiramisu in the fridge for at least 6 hours before eating it.
Today we feel pretty generous and have decided to teach you how to cook an unmissable Quiche Lorraine the real French way. This recipe comes from a real French chef notoriously known to throw steaks at whoever would enter his kitchen without being cordially invited.
So feel blessed.
First you will need to lay down some puff pastry in a baking tin. As I highly doubt you know how to make the pastry from scratch, just opt for the ready to use ones available at any "good" Tesco stores. Ah, and you will need a rolling-pin and NO, you cannot use it as a vibrator when not needed in the kitchen. Time for you to get a proper kitchen for God's sake !
Cut the edges - do not use your nail scissors please.
And poke with a fork...
Then, place in the oven (185°Celsius) for 15 minutes ( I know you might feel shocked at the sight of this utterly modern oven, just breath calmly and wait for a few minutes before looking back at your own)
At mid-cooking, press a fork on the dough to keep it flat.
Once cooked, remove from the oven (use gloves, it is hot. Think of when you throw frozen pizza in the oven - same process) and flatten once again with the back of a fork.
Don't go away, it is not finished and no, you are not allowed to spread some backed beans on this.
Here is what you need to prepare the mixture that will go on top of the pastry : 25 cl of creme fraiche (not sour cream, not skimmed whatever, not soy. Creme fraiche, full fat, real taste), cooked ham, some bacon strips (or pancetta), 4 eggs (preferably hens eggs but if all you have is horse eggs it'll be as fine), and grated Emmental (can be found at Fresh. DO NOT SUBSTITUTE WITH CHEDDAR or you will end up with a sticky ball of oily cheese floating on the quiche)
First pour the cream
Add 2 full eggs
And 2 egg yolks
Then pour the milk.
Cook the bacon strips on medium heat with a nut of butter ( I know, it is a gas cooker, amazing)
Take one slice of cooked ham
Dice it
And pour the cooked bacon strips and the diced ham on the cooked pastry
Add the eggs-milk-cream mixture
And the grated cheese of top (make it even, don't throw a ball of cheese in the middle !) Season with pepper, salt and nutmeg (I know, you have no idea what nutmeg is.)
Cook for 20 minutes in the same futuristic oven as the one used before
Meanwhile enjoy a glass of real wine - or On-sale Tesco crap for what it's worth anyway. I recently found out that a bottle of wine sees its price multiplied by an average of 4 between Italy/France and Ireland. Thank you Rip-off Dublin. But nobody cares anyway because everybody drinks odd strawberry-flavored white from California.
Your French style Quiche Lorraine is ready. Enjoy with a side salad.
If you use cream to prepare carbonara, you are an incompetent loser, so stupid you can't even read a simple recipe, so go back to school, learn to read and get the fuck away from my blog!
Use bacon for your morning fry, not for carbonara. For carbonara you have two choices, the proper one is guanciale... I can see the question mark in you face, ignorant prick, click here and read (if you got to this point you should be able to read). Another acceptable alternative to guanciale is pancetta.
You are a moron.
This time I had to use pancetta because you can find guanciale only in Italy, Italian butchers know how to cut meat, the rest of butchers just don't know what they are doing but they own large knives and I don't like upsetting them too much.
So take your pancetta and fry it with a bit of olive oil on medium/low fire.
This is the first trick, but remember! You don't need this if you use guanciale. Guanciale is already tasty enough.
To give a kick ass taste to your pancetta, put 1/4 of a beef stock cube together with the pancetta. If you have problems with fractions, go back to school, if you are American, school won't help you, so go back to McDonalds.
Now cook the pancetta until it is well done almost crispy!
WARNING FOR STONERS: that's not a gram of pollen and you can't smoke it.
3 eggs are enough for 4 people, if you're cooking for 1, 2 or 3 people do the math, if you cannot do the math see end of point 1 above.
Now, take 3 eggs yolks. If you own more than 3 eggs, you could think about throwing the spare ones at your stupid neighbor or putting them in your ugly wife's shoes for some entertainment.
Add pecorino or parmesan, a bit of salt and a bit of pepper.
Grate it, don't buy the pre-grated shite they sell in Tesco
Mix with a fork for some minutes. If after 5 minutes you don't have something like this simply jump from a high bridge.
This is perfect: you can't
Alright, cook the spaghetti and remember to put a full spoon of salt in the boiling water before throwing inside the spaghetti or you have done everything for nothing, idiot!
Here's the second trick to make you carbonara creamy, but without your stupid fat cream: when the spaghetti are ready (al dente) drain the pasta, but keep half glass of the cooking water!!! Then put the half glass of water back in the pot together with the spaghetti, pancetta and the eggs.
Mix everything and then put the pot back on the fire for a good 2/3 minutes while mixing.
Ok, here is what I normally do now, I add 5 drops of white truffle olive oil, but don't worry, I know you are a miserable being and you don't even know where to buy this, so just admit your inferiority and keep on reading.
Truffle oil, for fine palates like mine, not yours
Ok the carbonara is done, add parmesan and buon appettito!
I have to admit it, I have a weakness, I love the Irish. You guys are simply the
best, your sense of humour and love for life hooked me to this fucked up
island for the last 15 years.
But are you REALLY IRISH? Now you can find out with the pi_kitchen test!
Now moron, follow the instructions, it is going to be real
easy, even for you. Answer the questions with option A, B or C. Keep track of
how many As Bs and Cs you have and find out if you are Irish or not. If you are American you can go fuck yourself now, no I don't believe you. Your great great great grand father was not from Leitrim he was a filthy liar from Wisconsin, moron!
TEST: ARE YOU IRISH?
Question 1: You are in a fancy restaurant with friends enjoying a couple of drinks and relaxing with people you love. The waiter comes to the table and serves you a fantastic Duck a l’Orange, what’s your first
thought?
A)Wow, this looks awesome, I am salivating
B) Thank god they do Duck a l’Orange here, I don’t
even remember the last time I had it
C) Where’s my spuds?
Duck a l’Orange, no spuds in sight.
Question 2: Your football team is being trashed beyond
belief. Your players are headless chickens running around the pitch and the
opponents look like giants in comparison. The opposition fans are laughing
at you and so is the whole world watching on telly, what do you do?
A) Fuck it, I am going home, I am sick of this.
B) God we are really poor, this is the last time
ever I go watch these muppets
C) Looooow liiiiie
the Fieeeelds of Athenryyyyy…
Awesomeness
Question 3: Your mortgage repayment is due next week, your credit
card is maxed out, you have 50 quid in your pocket and no food in the fridge,
what do you do?
A) I call my brother and ask him if he can dig me out
of this bad situation, I really hope he can or I am fucked
B)I put my car on e-bay and will use the money I
make to get me going for a couple of months, I can cycle to work anyway
C) Ahh sshure, it’s Thursday and I’m off to Kehoes’
for a few with my mates, it’s only money after all
Insolvent drinkers @ Kehoes (Dublin)
Question 4: What’s the proudest moment of you entire life?
A) The birth of my first daughter was amazing, for the first time I felt life was really worth it
B) I spent 6 months in Ghana teaching English to poor
children, a humbling and life changing experience for me
C) Wait till I tell ya! So listen, there was the
three of us, me Sean and Colin down in Sidney, so we went to this party in this bloke's place, he was from Termonfeckin the dirty bastard. You should have seen the amount of Irish people over there. To cut
the long story short I had 20 pints, puked my guts out and woke up in Perth,
great fun.
love it
Question 5: Something really bad happened, your best mate crashed his car, he and his wife are dead, what do you do?
A) I don’t know what to say, I am speechless, I
need to give support to his family, let me check when the funeral is
B) I am devastated, I call my kids to make sure
they are OK and I hug my wife
C) I am going down to O’Sheas with my mates’ family
and friends, we’ll have a few pints, tell good old happy stories about my mate
and sing a few songs
Mourning for the dead in O'Sheas
Question 6: You are on holidays in Uzbekistan, what do you do
for fun
A) I have done a lot of research before going and I
have heard of this tradition where the Uzbekis (lol) go to celebrate their ancestors,
I am not going to miss that
B) I try to mix up with the locals and learn from
them what's fun in Uzbekistan
C) I am not fucking going to Uzbekistan! There’s no
Irish Pubs over there, screw it I’m going to New York, plenty of good Irish
boozers in Manhattan!
No matter where you are, make sure you're with the Irish
Question7: You are in a restaurant, the waiter was an arrogant arsehole, food was awful and when opening the bill you had a mini stroke. The arrogant arsehole comes around to your table and asks you “Everything OK sir?”. What do
you do?
A) I tell him everything is not fuckin’ OK, the
meal was bad, he was an arsehole and the bill is sickening high
B)I say nothing but I will never get back to this
place EVER again.
C) I make sure I smile nicely, look down because I
don’t have the guts to keep the arsehole’s gaze and say “It was goooorgeous
thank you!”. Straight after I leave, I write a post on Facebook where I tell
everybody what a gorgeous meal I had and that the waiter was a bit of a ride as
well.
Next time you go back wear this
ANSWERS:
The majority of your answers are A: You are not Irish, fuck off
The majority of your answers are B: Neither are you, you're probably American, I told you not to do this, get the fuck out of my blog!!
The majority of your answers areC: Gotcha! You're either Padraic or Seamous or even a Sorcha or Siobhán and very likely your surname is O'Sullivan. You are Irish and I love you! Padraic and Seamous move along please I have things to do with Sorcha and Siobhán.
Back home from the gym, starving but so tired that only thinking about cooking something will make you throw up?
That's your problem and I couldn't care less, but this is what you could have done instead of being a lazy ass and shoving popcorn in the microwave for dinner.
You could have fried half an onion with some butter.
You could have waited until the onion was yellow and then you could have added a slice of Ham cut into small pieces.
After 2 minutes you could have added nice chunks of Gorgonzola cheese and kept on cooking for another couple of minutes.
You could have added 3 free range eggs...
...mixed with the fork and cooked for 4/5 minutes on high fire.
and a delicious after gym re-generator would have been ready!
But you are an idiot, now go and choke on your disgusting popcorn!
It’s difficult to be as great as I am, you can’t even
imagine. Men want to be like me, women want to be with me, it’s exhausting. Obviously,
being a lonesome moron, you haven’t a bog of what I am talking about.
Let me tell you. Having so
many things to do, events to attend, trophies to win, hands to shake and babies
to kiss, sometimes I don’t have a lot of time to spend in the kitchen and
do amazing stuff like my world famous “Parmigiana di melanzane” or the award
winning “Best Lasagna in the world”.
In between receiving awards and sleeping with your girlfriend, when
I don’t have the time to produce the usual magic in the kitchen, I eat food that takes
no time to cook (basically all you do in your entire miserable life).
I feel
extremely generous today and I want to introduce you to an awesome treat that won’t
take you more than 5 minutes and a microwave to prepare. It is Tesco’s Finest “Puy
lentil & vine ripened tomato soup”. This ready to microwave soup is incredibly
tasty and its ingredients feel fresh even to a sophisticated palate (mine, not yours). Most importantly all the bits are in there, clearly
visible and it is not one of those mono-colour soups with consistency similar
to diarrhea where you need to trust that the guy who made it put in turnip and chicken rather
than cats eyeballs or if you're lucky his dinner’s leftovers. This is good stuff folks, real
soup.
Yes, I drink fine Irish whiskey.
I also have many dirty coffee makers and a colander on my kitchen counter, congratulations you are not blind!
For the reading minus habens that don’t know how to
microwave a soup here’s how I do it.
I remove the lid, stick the soup in the microwave, put the lid
back on but making sure air can circulate in the tin. I set the microwave for 3 minutes, smoke a fag while doing creative stuff in the kitchen, I open a bottle
of good expensive wine (I can, you can open your cheap Shiraz). I wait for the
microwave to go “Ping!”, I open, mix the soup and give it another 2 minutes in
the microwave. “Ping!” again, I take it out, pour it in a beautiful and expensive
ceramic bowl and I wolf it down with a couple of slices of bread and a glass of
nice Primitivo.
Result, in 10 minutes I am nicely fed and I can go back on
your girlfriend. (yes I said "on") She’s delighted!
Have you not bought your boyfriend a present for Christmas yet? Problem solved!
The PI_Kitchen t-shirt is the greatest Christmas present ever!
Now you can give your ugly boyfriend the powerful handsomeness and wit of politically incorrect kitchen.
He will be admired by the public, autographs will be requested, girls hair will be pulled, and eventually you will be dumped for one of the hairless girls.
Either you want your boyfriend to be popular or get rid of him, this is the perfect present, buy it now!
T-shirt with quotes from PI_Kitchen, the hottest present in Dublin6.
