A great Carbonara with a couple of tricks

Ok first we need to clarify 3 things:

1. If you use cream to prepare carbonara, you are an incompetent loser, so stupid you can't even read a simple recipe, so go back to school, learn to read and get the fuck away from my blog!
2. Use bacon for your morning fry, not for carbonara. For carbonara you have two choices, the proper one is guanciale... I can see the question mark in you face, ignorant prick, click here and read (if you got to this point you should be able to read). Another acceptable alternative to guanciale is pancetta. 
3. You are a moron.

This time I had to use pancetta because you can find guanciale only in Italy, Italian butchers know how to cut meat, the rest of butchers just don't know what they are doing but they own large knives and I don't like upsetting them too much.

So take your pancetta and fry it with a bit of olive oil on medium/low fire.

This is the first trick, but remember! You don't need this if you use guanciale. Guanciale is already tasty enough.
To give a kick ass taste to your pancetta, put 1/4 of a beef stock cube together with the pancetta. If you have problems with fractions, go back to school, if you are American, school won't help you, so go back to McDonalds.

Now cook the pancetta until it is well done almost crispy!

WARNING FOR STONERS: that's not a gram of pollen and you can't smoke it.

3 eggs are enough for 4 people, if you're cooking for 1, 2 or 3 people do the math, if you cannot do the math see end of point 1 above.

Now, take 3 eggs yolks. If you own more than 3 eggs, you could think about throwing the spare ones at your stupid neighbor or putting them in your ugly wife's shoes for some entertainment.    

Add pecorino or parmesan, a bit of salt and a bit of pepper.

Grate it, don't buy the pre-grated shite they sell in Tesco

Mix with a fork for some minutes. If after 5 minutes you don't have something like this simply jump from a high bridge.

This is perfect: you can't

Alright, cook the spaghetti and remember to put a full spoon of salt in the boiling water before throwing inside the spaghetti or you have done everything for nothing, idiot!

Here's the second trick to make you carbonara creamy, but without your stupid fat cream: when the spaghetti are ready (al dente) drain the pasta, but keep half glass of the cooking water!!! Then put the half glass of water back in the pot together with the spaghetti, pancetta and the eggs.

Mix everything and then put the pot back on the fire for a good 2/3 minutes while mixing.

Ok, here is what I normally do now, I add 5 drops of white truffle olive oil, but don't worry, I know you are a miserable being and you don't even know where to buy this, so just admit your inferiority and keep on reading.

Truffle oil, for fine palates like mine, not yours

Ok the carbonara is done, add parmesan and buon appettito!

I eat good food, you don't

Test: Are you Irish?

I have to admit it, I have a weakness, I love the Irish. You guys are simply the best, your sense of humour and love for life hooked me to this fucked up island for the last 15 years.

But are you REALLY IRISH? Now you can find out with the pi_kitchen test!

Now moron, follow the instructions, it is going to be real easy, even for you. Answer the questions with option A, B or C. Keep track of how many As Bs and Cs you have and find out if you are Irish or not. If you are American you can go fuck yourself now, no I don't believe you. Your great great great grand father was not from Leitrim he was a filthy liar from Wisconsin, moron!

TEST: ARE YOU IRISH?

Question 1: You are in a fancy restaurant with friends enjoying a couple of drinks and relaxing with people you love. The waiter comes to the table and serves you a fantastic Duck a l’Orange, what’s your first thought?

A)  Wow, this looks awesome, I am salivating

B) Thank god they do Duck a l’Orange here, I don’t even remember the last time I had it

C) Where’s my spuds?

Duck a l’Orange, no spuds in sight.

Question 2: Your football team is being trashed beyond belief. Your players are headless chickens running around the pitch and the opponents look like giants in comparison. The opposition fans are laughing at you and so is the whole world watching on telly, what do you do?

A)  Fuck it, I am going home, I am sick of this.

B) God we are really poor, this is the last time ever I go watch these muppets

C) Looooow liiiiie the Fieeeelds of Athenryyyyy…

Awesomeness

Question 3: Your mortgage repayment is due next week, your credit card is maxed out, you have 50 quid in your pocket and no food in the fridge, what do you do?

A) I call my brother and ask him if he can dig me out of this bad situation, I really hope he can or I am fucked

B) I put my car on e-bay and will use the money I make to get me going for a couple of months, I can cycle to work anyway

C) Ahh sshure, it’s Thursday and I’m off to Kehoes’ for a few with my mates, it’s only money after all

Insolvent drinkers @ Kehoes (Dublin)

Question 4: What’s the proudest moment of you entire life?

A) The birth of my first daughter was amazing, for the first time I felt life was really worth it

B) I spent 6 months in Ghana teaching English to poor children, a humbling and life changing experience for me

C) Wait till I tell ya! So listen, there was the three of us, me Sean and Colin down in Sidney, so we went to this party in this bloke's place, he was from Termonfeckin the dirty bastard. You should have seen the amount of Irish people over there. To cut the long story short I had 20 pints, puked my guts out and woke up in Perth, great fun.

love it

Question 5: Something really bad happened, your best mate crashed his car, he and his wife are dead, what do you do?

 A) I don’t know what to say, I am speechless, I need to give support to his family, let me check when the funeral is

B) I am devastated, I call my kids to make sure they are OK and I hug my wife

C) I am going down to O’Sheas with my mates’ family and friends, we’ll have a few pints, tell good old happy stories about my mate and sing a few songs

Mourning for the dead in O'Sheas

Question 6: You are on holidays in Uzbekistan, what do you do for fun

A) I have done a lot of research before going and I have heard of this tradition where the Uzbekis (lol) go to celebrate their ancestors, I am not going to miss that

B)  I try to mix up with the locals and learn from them what's fun in Uzbekistan

C) I am not fucking going to Uzbekistan! There’s no Irish Pubs over there, screw it I’m going to New York, plenty of good Irish boozers in Manhattan!

No matter where you are, make sure you're with the Irish

Question7: You are in a restaurant, the waiter was an arrogant arsehole, food was awful and when opening the bill you had a mini stroke. The arrogant arsehole comes around to your table and asks you “Everything OK sir?”. What do you do?

A)  I tell him everything is not fuckin’ OK, the meal was bad, he was an arsehole and the bill is sickening high

B)  I say nothing but I will never get back to this place EVER again.

C) I make sure I smile nicely, look down because I don’t have the guts to keep the arsehole’s gaze and say “It was goooorgeous thank you!”. Straight after I leave, I write a post on Facebook where I tell everybody what a gorgeous meal I had and that the waiter was a bit of a ride as well.

Next time you go back wear this 

ANSWERS:

The majority of your answers are A: You are not Irish, fuck off

The majority of your answers are B: Neither are you, you're probably American, I told you not to do this, get the fuck out of my blog!!

The majority of your answers are C: Gotcha! You're either Padraic or Seamous or even a Sorcha or Siobhán and very likely your surname is O'Sullivan. You are Irish and I love you! Padraic and Seamous move along please I have things to do with Sorcha and Siobhán. 

After gym re-generator : Scrambled eggs with Ham and Gorgonzola

Back home from the gym, starving but so tired that only thinking about cooking something will make you throw up?

That's your problem and I couldn't care less, but this is what you could have done instead of being a lazy ass and shoving popcorn in the microwave for dinner.

You could have fried half an onion with some butter. 

You could have waited until the onion was yellow and then you could have added a slice of Ham cut into small pieces.

After 2 minutes you could have added nice chunks of Gorgonzola cheese and kept on cooking for another couple of minutes.

You could have added 3 free range eggs...

...mixed with the fork and cooked for 4/5 minutes on high fire.

and a delicious after gym re-generator would have been ready!

But you are an idiot, now go and choke on your disgusting popcorn!

Gobshite!

Recipe for busy and successful people - you can skip this

It’s difficult to be as great as I am, you can’t even imagine. Men want to be like me, women want to be with me, it’s exhausting. Obviously, being a lonesome moron, you haven’t a bog of what I am talking about. 

Let me tell you. Having so many things to do, events to attend, trophies to win, hands to shake and babies to kiss, sometimes I don’t have a lot of time to spend in the kitchen and do amazing stuff like my world famous “Parmigiana di melanzane” or the award winning “Best Lasagna in the world”.

In between receiving awards and sleeping with your girlfriend, when I don’t have the time to produce the usual magic in the kitchen, I eat food that takes no time to cook (basically all you do in your entire miserable life).

I feel extremely generous today and I want to introduce you to an awesome treat that won’t take you more than 5 minutes and a microwave to prepare. It is Tesco’s Finest “Puy lentil & vine ripened tomato soup”. This ready to microwave soup is incredibly tasty and its ingredients feel fresh even to a sophisticated palate (mine, not yours). Most importantly all the bits are in there, clearly visible and it is not one of those mono-colour soups with consistency similar to diarrhea where you need to trust that the guy who made it put in turnip and chicken rather than cats eyeballs or if you're lucky his dinner’s leftovers. This is good stuff folks, real soup.

Yes, I drink fine Irish whiskey.

I also have many dirty coffee makers and a colander on my kitchen counter, congratulations you are not blind!

For the reading minus habens that don’t know how to microwave a soup here’s how I do it.

I remove the lid, stick the soup in the microwave, put the lid back on but making sure air can circulate in the tin. I set the microwave for 3 minutes, smoke a fag while doing creative stuff in the kitchen, I open a bottle of good expensive wine (I can, you can open your cheap Shiraz). I wait for the microwave to go “Ping!”, I open, mix the soup and give it another 2 minutes in the microwave. “Ping!” again, I take it out, pour it in a beautiful and expensive ceramic bowl and I wolf it down with a couple of slices of bread and a glass of nice Primitivo.

Result, in 10 minutes I am nicely fed and I can go back on your girlfriend. (yes I said "on") She’s delighted!

Spread the truth

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The best lasagna in the world

Ok losers, this is your fucking lucky day, I'm going to explain to you how to prepare the best lasagna in the world. 

I won a competition with this lasagna and if you are not as retarded as I think, you will make your ugly  girlfriend/boyfriend happy tonight.

The ragout, aka Bolognese sauce.

So, first of all the ragout, yes it's a french word and I do not know why cause only Italians are able to do a proper one.

Anyway, this is what you are going to need for the soffritto, a carrot, 2 bay leaves, half onion and one celery. 

Prepare the irish flag. (Yes, that is the Irish flag, not this one!)

Now, put 3 or 4 spoons of extra virgin olive oil and the bay leaves in a pot with medium-high fire.

When the oil is hot add the Irish flag.

When the onions are yellow add the meat.

Now the meat MUST be beef and pork, 400 grams of mince beef meat and 400 grams of mince pork meat .

Mix well the meat with the vegetables, don't go lay on your couch yet you lazy bastard. 

When the meat is all grey put one full glass of white wine. Yes, you can use shit wine from Chile,south Africa, California or Australia. 

Wait for the wine to evaporate before proceeding with the rest of the instructions!

Now, you need some tomato, I use this kind, because I know what is good and what is shit, so you have 2 options , either you do as I say and you buy the same kind of tomato sauce or alternatively you do as I say and you buy the same kind of tomato sauce.

You need one and a half cubes of stock, this is the best stock, but you can use other cheap stock if you want, but then don't blame me if your lasagna tastes like a rotten cow that just shat herself.

Ok, add the stock, the tomato sauce, 1 glass and a half of water, half tea spoon of salt and half tea spoon of sugar.

Put the fire on medium strength and half cover the pot. 

Let it cook for 1 hour and 45 minutes, not less , maybe more.

After your stupid movie is finished, you can check your ragout and it should have been reduced a lot, taste it. What? Tastes like a rotten cow that just shat herself? You stupid fucker, shove your fake stock cubes where you know now.

Congratulations!!!you just made a perfect Bolognese sauce. 

Ahahah I'm joking I know you are a moron and were not able to follow basic instructions. You made a mess, but I don't care and I will go ahead. 

The best Lasagna in the world.

I can make the greatest Besciamella sauce if I want, it is better than any other besciamella sauce on the market, but who the fuck do you think you are? If I make this too complicated your little brain will probably pop out from your nose like a snot and your head will explode. 

The truth is that I don't give a fuck, I couldn't buy milk today, so consider yourself lucky, and go buy a Besciamella sauce like this one.

Cut a mozzarella like in the picture.

Now boil some water with a tea spoon of salt, take 3 slices of good lasagne and put it in the boiling water for 3 or 4 minutes.

Photos upside down to give you headache.

In the mean time spread some butter all over the baking dish. Once is done, add half spoon of ragout and spread it all over the baking dish again.

Remove the lasagna slides from the boiling water and place them like in the picture.

Hahahah you used you hands to do it and you burnt your fingers!! Excellent!

Cover with the ragout, pieces of mozzarella and lots of grated Parmesan. No! you cannot use your stupid cheddar.

Cook another 3 slides of lasagna and when cooked cover the ragout with them.

Cover with the Besciamella sauce and add some ham.

Add Parmesan!!Yes again you cheap fuck.

Cook another 3 slides of lasagna and when cooked cover the Besciamella with them making sure you burn your hands again.

Add the ragout, mozzarella and guess what! yes, the amazing Parmesan.

Cook other 3 slides of lasagna and when cooked cover the ragout with them. 

Add the remaining besciamella and ragout all together, some very small pieces of butter to make it crispy on the top and again P A R M E S A N!!! 

Put the baking dish in a 200 degrees preheated oven for at least 45 minutes. What?? you did not start the oven yet? Do you want me to come and start your stupid oven? Don't you know that if i came to yours, your girlfriend would immediately leave you to be my slave? Don't worry I don't like fat ugly girls, you can have her.

Here you go

Fuckin' awesome lasagna, you will never be able to do it, forget it and go to McDonalds

Teaser - Linguine Allo Scoglio

December, Saturday morning, an unusual sunny Dublin out there, me nursing a slight hangover in here.
My kitchen is a mess, the cleaner rang in sick earlier. Anna I know you're reading now, and I know you were out partying last night, you lazy ass, I saw you in you friend's pictures on Facebook sculling a pint in Dakota of all places, loved the fake snuffles on the phone, by the way, you're fired!

So what have I got left to do? No you didn't guess, I do not clean my own kitchen, you moron, I get other people like you to do it. So I go out, buy fags and walk slowly, looking around to find a place to get some food. I live in a beautiful and upmarket part of Dublin (I can) and there is a large choice of crap restaurants where people go to eat not for their taste buds, but to be seen. They smile, chat lively, look around the uber hip surroundings, paying undeserved compliment to the food (oh it's gorgeous, isn't it Chloe? Ah yes Aoife it is amaaaaaazing), thinking that the fact they are paying top dollar and the fact that the waiter floats around as if he was on a catwalk in Milan must mean they are eating good food; in absence of taste buds these poor knobs don't know they are being taken for a ride, snob knobs.

Needless to say, I didn't go to any of those pretentious shitty places and I ended up in Pinocchio in Ranelagh.

The place looks like shit but the food is good, let me ask you a question you moron: do you ask how the food is when you go to an art exhibition? NO. So why the fuck do you expect a restaurant to look like an art exhibition. A restaurant is for food, good food and that's it, go to a fuckin' museum to look at beautiful things.

This is what I got: Linguine Allo Scoglio

I eat good food, you eat shit in lovely surroundings

It was very good, but I can make it 1,000 times better, stay tuned, if and when I feel like it I will post the real recipe for you morons to enjoy.

This is what was left:

Picture upside down to piss you off

Have a good weekend and remember; it's better to eat good food in a shitty place than eat shit in a fancy one.