The best lasagna in the world

Ok losers, this is your fucking lucky day, I'm going to explain to you how to prepare the best lasagna in the world. 

I won a competition with this lasagna and if you are not as retarded as I think, you will make your ugly  girlfriend/boyfriend happy tonight.

The ragout, aka Bolognese sauce.

So, first of all the ragout, yes it's a french word and I do not know why cause only Italians are able to do a proper one.

Anyway, this is what you are going to need for the soffritto, a carrot, 2 bay leaves, half onion and one celery. 

Prepare the irish flag. (Yes, that is the Irish flag, not this one!)

Now, put 3 or 4 spoons of extra virgin olive oil and the bay leaves in a pot with medium-high fire.

When the oil is hot add the Irish flag.

When the onions are yellow add the meat.

Now the meat MUST be beef and pork, 400 grams of mince beef meat and 400 grams of mince pork meat .

Mix well the meat with the vegetables, don't go lay on your couch yet you lazy bastard. 

When the meat is all grey put one full glass of white wine. Yes, you can use shit wine from Chile,south Africa, California or Australia. 

Wait for the wine to evaporate before proceeding with the rest of the instructions!

Now, you need some tomato, I use this kind, because I know what is good and what is shit, so you have 2 options , either you do as I say and you buy the same kind of tomato sauce or alternatively you do as I say and you buy the same kind of tomato sauce.

You need one and a half cubes of stock, this is the best stock, but you can use other cheap stock if you want, but then don't blame me if your lasagna tastes like a rotten cow that just shat herself.

Ok, add the stock, the tomato sauce, 1 glass and a half of water, half tea spoon of salt and half tea spoon of sugar.

Put the fire on medium strength and half cover the pot. 

Let it cook for 1 hour and 45 minutes, not less , maybe more.

After your stupid movie is finished, you can check your ragout and it should have been reduced a lot, taste it. What? Tastes like a rotten cow that just shat herself? You stupid fucker, shove your fake stock cubes where you know now.

Congratulations!!!you just made a perfect Bolognese sauce. 

Ahahah I'm joking I know you are a moron and were not able to follow basic instructions. You made a mess, but I don't care and I will go ahead. 

The best Lasagna in the world.

I can make the greatest Besciamella sauce if I want, it is better than any other besciamella sauce on the market, but who the fuck do you think you are? If I make this too complicated your little brain will probably pop out from your nose like a snot and your head will explode. 

The truth is that I don't give a fuck, I couldn't buy milk today, so consider yourself lucky, and go buy a Besciamella sauce like this one.

Cut a mozzarella like in the picture.

Now boil some water with a tea spoon of salt, take 3 slices of good lasagne and put it in the boiling water for 3 or 4 minutes.

Photos upside down to give you headache.

In the mean time spread some butter all over the baking dish. Once is done, add half spoon of ragout and spread it all over the baking dish again.

Remove the lasagna slides from the boiling water and place them like in the picture.

Hahahah you used you hands to do it and you burnt your fingers!! Excellent!

Cover with the ragout, pieces of mozzarella and lots of grated Parmesan. No! you cannot use your stupid cheddar.

Cook another 3 slides of lasagna and when cooked cover the ragout with them.

Cover with the Besciamella sauce and add some ham.

Add Parmesan!!Yes again you cheap fuck.

Cook another 3 slides of lasagna and when cooked cover the Besciamella with them making sure you burn your hands again.

Add the ragout, mozzarella and guess what! yes, the amazing Parmesan.

Cook other 3 slides of lasagna and when cooked cover the ragout with them. 

Add the remaining besciamella and ragout all together, some very small pieces of butter to make it crispy on the top and again P A R M E S A N!!! 

Put the baking dish in a 200 degrees preheated oven for at least 45 minutes. What?? you did not start the oven yet? Do you want me to come and start your stupid oven? Don't you know that if i came to yours, your girlfriend would immediately leave you to be my slave? Don't worry I don't like fat ugly girls, you can have her.

Here you go

Fuckin' awesome lasagna, you will never be able to do it, forget it and go to McDonalds

Teaser - Linguine Allo Scoglio

December, Saturday morning, an unusual sunny Dublin out there, me nursing a slight hangover in here.
My kitchen is a mess, the cleaner rang in sick earlier. Anna I know you're reading now, and I know you were out partying last night, you lazy ass, I saw you in you friend's pictures on Facebook sculling a pint in Dakota of all places, loved the fake snuffles on the phone, by the way, you're fired!

So what have I got left to do? No you didn't guess, I do not clean my own kitchen, you moron, I get other people like you to do it. So I go out, buy fags and walk slowly, looking around to find a place to get some food. I live in a beautiful and upmarket part of Dublin (I can) and there is a large choice of crap restaurants where people go to eat not for their taste buds, but to be seen. They smile, chat lively, look around the uber hip surroundings, paying undeserved compliment to the food (oh it's gorgeous, isn't it Chloe? Ah yes Aoife it is amaaaaaazing), thinking that the fact they are paying top dollar and the fact that the waiter floats around as if he was on a catwalk in Milan must mean they are eating good food; in absence of taste buds these poor knobs don't know they are being taken for a ride, snob knobs.

Needless to say, I didn't go to any of those pretentious shitty places and I ended up in Pinocchio in Ranelagh.

The place looks like shit but the food is good, let me ask you a question you moron: do you ask how the food is when you go to an art exhibition? NO. So why the fuck do you expect a restaurant to look like an art exhibition. A restaurant is for food, good food and that's it, go to a fuckin' museum to look at beautiful things.

This is what I got: Linguine Allo Scoglio

I eat good food, you eat shit in lovely surroundings

It was very good, but I can make it 1,000 times better, stay tuned, if and when I feel like it I will post the real recipe for you morons to enjoy.

This is what was left:

Picture upside down to piss you off

Have a good weekend and remember; it's better to eat good food in a shitty place than eat shit in a fancy one.

Ipse Dixit - Paolo Tullio loves us

I know it well, you are an uncultured moron and have no clue what "Ipse Dixit" means. No it's not French, it's the mother of all languages: Latin. OK now you googled it and you know it means "He, himself, said it", well done!

Paolo "Master of Food" Tullio has spoken and He Himself unequivocally declared his love for us. In all fairness we never had any doubts, a human being that avails of superior taste like Paolo MoF Tullio cannot possibly not love us.

Hang on, you didn't get me, he doesn't love you, he loves us!

follow us on twitter @pi_kitchen

It's now clear there is only a place on the web where you can have fun be insulted for free and learn to cook some wonderful food, if you don't get it just fuck off and eat your frozen fish fingers. Gobshite!

UPDATE!!!

The top echelon of Irish cuisine agree on our greatness, Tom Doorley in flesh and blood is the latest connoisseur declaring his love for us.

If you know about food and want to share your love, tweet us @pi_kitchen, we might still insult you but hey, it's all for free! 

Salsicce alla scorreggiona (tm)

I'm going to make your day again with yet another amazing recipe, you're a lucky thing, aren't you?

The recipe's name, "Heavy Flatulence Sausages" should already warn you somehow, for example do not prepare it if you're inviting a date over to yours for the first time, unless you're a total loser and already know your date is going to leave straight after dinner. In that case I'd ask why you are cooking for dates that leave you as soon as they finish the last bite and don't even wash your dishes? I know why, you are an enormous loser.

Let's get to work now.

Ingredients for 2 hungry fat people or 4 skinny idiots

First of all the sausages. Don't even think you can use those floppy willies you buy in Tesco or Dunnes! What did you say? You buy them in SuperQuinn and they are good? Ah! Forget about it, they are shit too. You need proper Italian sausages, very large and chunky with loads of fat, yes fat, that's what gives flavour to food, what did you say? You don't like fat? Get the fuck out of my blog!

There are a few places in Dublin where you can get them, I'm not going to tell you where, what am I Google Maps? Go and find them by yourself

Slice a large onion and put it in a large pan with plenty of oil. Of course you've got to start the cooker, do you think this is going to cook itself?

Raw onion in olive oil

Let the onions cook until they become of a pale yellow color, if you are color blind, take a stopwatch and time 5 minutes, if you're blind ask your friend when 5 minutes are passed, if you have no friends you can die of starvation, I don't give a fuck.

Perfect pail yellow (blonde) onion

Whenever the onions are yellow, open 2 cans of kidney beans and drop all the content in the pan, yes including the water.

Hint: you can save money here yes, Mr Scrooge, they are all the fuckin' same, so go to Aldi and buy some cheap ones.

Pour the beans in the pan

Now let the beans cook for say 25 minutes with the cooker on slow, do not cover the pan, why do you want to cover it? Are you afraid the beans are going to run away? Are you afraid the beans are going to seduce your date? Get real and go back to your sofa and watch some shit. While you watch some stupid telly I do beautiful, innovative and artistic things, you can't.

 Beautiful, innovative and artistic "house of sausages"

Yes, I know it's on it's side, I can see your stupid head tilted right.

25 minutes are gone and you want to add the sausages and the chilly pepper. Yes I didn't mention chopping the chilly pepper before, so what? Chop it and shut the fuck up you lazy idiot!

Before putting the sausages in, using a fork, you are going to make a lot of holes on the sausages, if you don't understand why, ask your ma.

Shove sausages and chilly pepper in the pan and give it a good mix.

You need to add wine to the pan, I like adding red wine, some wankers will tell you that white wine is better for cooking, don't mind them and do as I say. The red wine will give a nice consistent dark color to the whole mix, if you are color blind and you don't care, add milk and poison yourself.

Wine can be cheap, but please do not use any Wolf Blass or similar overpriced shit from Australia because even beans have a soul and they don't deserve it. Cover everything in red wine

I add lovely and expensive Nero D'avola, I can

Let it cook until the wine has been absorbed by the ingredients and the consistence is somehow dense, not as dense as a nose snot, but not as liquid as soup. (I'm trying to help color blind people describing density rather than color, you can thank me in private sending me colorful banknotes)

This is perfect density, learn

Serve.

Perfection (you can't)

tonight I feel like a fat hungry person and I eat two sausages

Eat.

If your date decided to stay over, I told you not to invite a date over, are you deaf? Anyway due to the poisonous gasses you'll be releasing, you're not going to meet her/him again so feel free to be as rude and obnoxious as you want, I would. 

Parmigiana di Melanzane

I know I’m wasting my time and you’ll never be able to cook a half decent Parmigiana, but you’re in luck I’ve got fuck all to do and I feel like casting pearls before swine today, now pay attention you illiterate wannabe chef.

First you’ve got to buy aubergines, yes that’s what “melanzane” means, BTW if you’re American and you want me to call them eggplant, you can simply fuck off now.

Forget about the plastic shiny ones that you get cheaply in Tesco or Dunnes, unless you want to eat shiny plastic. You’ve got to find a place in Dublin where they have real aubergines that have little bumps and even some skin imperfection, they are the ones that grew on a real plant and not in some Chinaman’s lab. I am not going to tell you where to get them in Dublin, I am the only one who knows, just live with it.

Ingredients for 10 people

OK, wash the aubergines first, with water for fucks sake! Then cut them in slices between 1 and 2 Centimetres, you don’t understand the metric system? Go to school.  Once you have cut them put slice by slice in a colander (what is it? Jesus, you know nothing) and spread salt over them. Make layers of salted aubergine slices until they’re gone. Stick a weight over the aubergines and put the colander on a plate unless you want to cover your kitchen counter in muck.

Leave the aubergines in salt for an hour so to sweat out their bitterness and become nice and smooth, I said an hour, yes it takes time, this is not Kentucky Fried fuckin' chicken.

Look they're sweating

During this hour you can start preparing the base Italian tomato sauce. If you don’t know how to make it and I had powers to decide, you would be dead, but as I am not ruling the universe as yet, you are still alive and can check one of the useless recipes you will find in the gutter called the Internet.

This is proper, you can't do it like this

Do this as well, grate loads of parmesan or in alternative even pecorino romano, if you don’t know what they are just roll over and die. Put the mountain of grated cheese in a bowl, don’t eat it!

During this very long hour you will also cut a couple of mozzarellas in thin slices, the ideal would be to have real “provola” but you might find that flying to Italy to get one might not be worth your while for one parmigiana di melanzane only, I would, you can’t so shut up and slice your stupid mozzarella.

Ok 1 hour is gone and the aubergines have nothing else to sweat about, wash them and put them back in the colander. Now the tricky bit. Frying the aubergines. If you read 99% of stupid recipes for parmigiana di melanzane they will tell you that you have to fry them in olive oil. These people are ignorant pricks and should be shot for many reasons, first olive oil doesn't come cheap and to fry 12 melanzane you will need 1+1/2 liters of it, secondly, these ignorant pricks are also going to die soon, in fact, olive oil is known for releasing an extremely toxic chemical when it reaches a certain temperature that you reach frying. Now do you want to be an ignorant sick prick or you want to listen to me? Use Sunflower oil, cheap as fuck and perfect for frying stuff without causing cancer, does it sound all right to you?

Stick 1+1/2 litres of sunflower oil in a large pan (yes you need a large pan in a kitchen), turn on the cooker and wait. Wait until the oil is as hot as a Calabrian chilly pepper on holidays in hell and put 3 or 4 slices of aubergines at the time to fry. You burnt your hand, I know! Will you try to be careful please? Can't you see the oil is hot? Gobshite...

You need to turn them and take them out when they have taken a blonde, pale brown color. Once you take them out you put them on kitchen paper to absorb the extra oil unless you are a fat bastard that wants to stay awake all night puking. One layer of aubergines and one layer of kitchen paper, do me a favor  please, please, pretty please with sugar on top do not put slices over slices to save a sheet of kitchen paper you cheap idiot.

I can do 2 pans at the time, you can't

OK fast forward, all your aubergines are fried, you have a ready Italian tomato sauce, you have a mountain of parmesan and sliced mozzarella (I know you didn’t buy the “provola”, loser).

Take a large oven tray (not the ones for doing your disgusting roast beef a proper one for fucks sake).

First layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan. This is the first layer, now if you weren't a complete retard you could do the second layer and the third and so on until you finished your aubergines without me repeating the thing over and over but there you go:

Second layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan.

Third layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan.

Fourth layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan.

Fifth layer of aubergines, cover in tomato base, spread some mozzarella, spray a huge quantity of parmesan.

At this point you have finished your aubergines, stick the tray in the oven for 45 minutes at 200 CC and have the feast of your life.

What you get out of the oven will not resemble anything like the amazing beauty below, but you knew from the start you were a moron that can't cook, so shut up and eat.

Forget about it

Besides not being able to cook you are obviously ugly and stupid, I, on the other hand am intelligent and extremely handsome, see the proof below

Intelligent and handsome man

Turkey Scaloppine with Polenta

I hope you weren't believing that I was choosing my next recipe based on your stupid preferences. 

Scaloppine is a famous Italian recipe easy to make, just shut up and do what I tell you to do...

These are the main ingredients you need:

• Mushrooms: Porcini(wild mushrooms) are the best but they cost a lot, so I used the shitty ones from Tesco
• Half liter of white wine:  don't use good wine! Use some crap from Chile/New Zeland/Australia/California
• Turkey fillets: In Italy we use veal which is much better, but here in Ireland is fucking expensive 

As first thing cut the turkey in pieces not too small and coat the pieces with the flour. Yeah I know I did not mention the flour in the beginning.

Add olive oil in the pan and wait until the oil is hot, then fry the meat on each side.

This recipe has only 1 important trick: fry the meat for less than 1 minute per side!

You fried too much, you will eat plastic.

When the pieces of meat are slightly cooked on each side, remove them from the pan and put them in a dish. Don't eat them yet you moron! they still need to be cooked!

Now, cut the mushrooms. If you are not able to cut mushrooms just get the fuck out of my blog.

Add the mushrooms in the same pan (add more oil if you need) and cook them for 5/10 minutes.

When the mushrooms are cooked add the pieces of meat, all the wine and one cube of stock.

if the meat and mushrooms are not fully covered by the wine, add some water.

Let it cook for at least 40 minutes letting the liquid reduce.

Now as side dish you can cook rice, salad, potatoes, etc. I did Polenta.

Boil half pot of water with half spoon of salt.

Let the water boil.

Remove from the fire and add Polenta mixing constantly for 5 minutes.

Place the pot on the fire and mix again for another 5 minutes.

Here we go, Scaloppine with Polenta.