Salsicce alla scorreggiona (tm)

I'm going to make your day again with yet another amazing recipe, you're a lucky thing, aren't you?

The recipe's name, "Heavy Flatulence Sausages" should already warn you somehow, for example do not prepare it if you're inviting a date over to yours for the first time, unless you're a total loser and already know your date is going to leave straight after dinner. In that case I'd ask why you are cooking for dates that leave you as soon as they finish the last bite and don't even wash your dishes? I know why, you are an enormous loser.

Let's get to work now.

Ingredients for 2 hungry fat people or 4 skinny idiots

First of all the sausages. Don't even think you can use those floppy willies you buy in Tesco or Dunnes! What did you say? You buy them in SuperQuinn and they are good? Ah! Forget about it, they are shit too. You need proper Italian sausages, very large and chunky with loads of fat, yes fat, that's what gives flavour to food, what did you say? You don't like fat? Get the fuck out of my blog!

There are a few places in Dublin where you can get them, I'm not going to tell you where, what am I Google Maps? Go and find them by yourself

Slice a large onion and put it in a large pan with plenty of oil. Of course you've got to start the cooker, do you think this is going to cook itself?

Raw onion in olive oil

Let the onions cook until they become of a pale yellow color, if you are color blind, take a stopwatch and time 5 minutes, if you're blind ask your friend when 5 minutes are passed, if you have no friends you can die of starvation, I don't give a fuck.

Perfect pail yellow (blonde) onion

Whenever the onions are yellow, open 2 cans of kidney beans and drop all the content in the pan, yes including the water.

Hint: you can save money here yes, Mr Scrooge, they are all the fuckin' same, so go to Aldi and buy some cheap ones.

Pour the beans in the pan

Now let the beans cook for say 25 minutes with the cooker on slow, do not cover the pan, why do you want to cover it? Are you afraid the beans are going to run away? Are you afraid the beans are going to seduce your date? Get real and go back to your sofa and watch some shit. While you watch some stupid telly I do beautiful, innovative and artistic things, you can't.

 Beautiful, innovative and artistic "house of sausages"

Yes, I know it's on it's side, I can see your stupid head tilted right.

25 minutes are gone and you want to add the sausages and the chilly pepper. Yes I didn't mention chopping the chilly pepper before, so what? Chop it and shut the fuck up you lazy idiot!

Before putting the sausages in, using a fork, you are going to make a lot of holes on the sausages, if you don't understand why, ask your ma.

Shove sausages and chilly pepper in the pan and give it a good mix.

You need to add wine to the pan, I like adding red wine, some wankers will tell you that white wine is better for cooking, don't mind them and do as I say. The red wine will give a nice consistent dark color to the whole mix, if you are color blind and you don't care, add milk and poison yourself.

Wine can be cheap, but please do not use any Wolf Blass or similar overpriced shit from Australia because even beans have a soul and they don't deserve it. Cover everything in red wine

I add lovely and expensive Nero D'avola, I can

Let it cook until the wine has been absorbed by the ingredients and the consistence is somehow dense, not as dense as a nose snot, but not as liquid as soup. (I'm trying to help color blind people describing density rather than color, you can thank me in private sending me colorful banknotes)

This is perfect density, learn

Serve.

Perfection (you can't)

tonight I feel like a fat hungry person and I eat two sausages

Eat.

If your date decided to stay over, I told you not to invite a date over, are you deaf? Anyway due to the poisonous gasses you'll be releasing, you're not going to meet her/him again so feel free to be as rude and obnoxious as you want, I would.